the happy homemaker

artichoke dip - I promise you that I have never had this go wrong. It takes maybe 40 minutes to cook, and everyone will think you are a fabulous host/ess.

Add two cans of artichoke hearts (cut up) to about a cup of mayonnaise. Mix in 4 cloves of finely chopped garlic and some salt and a cup of parmesan cheese. It's better if you grate it yourself, but it really doesn't matter. To really go all out, throw in a handful of pine nuts. Stir everything up really well and wrap it in tin foil with the top uncovered. Cook it on 375 degrees for half an hour to 40 minutes. It works just fine in a toaster oven.
Serve it with bread, toast or tortilla chips.

*If you're vegan, go nuts! This recipe is equally as good with canola based mayo, and you can even use the vegan parmesan cheese for texture. My friends could hardly tell the difference, and a lot of them liked the vegan version better! top

Black Bean and Zuchini tortillas - I used to try to feed 6 or 8 people at a time as cheaply as I could and as easily as I could. This basically meant that I looked in my cabinets and tried to find stuff there that seemed like it might go together well. I came up with this vegetarian dish, which is totally simple, and pretty cheap.

In a wok or big sautee pan (or, barring everything else, a soup pot) pour about half a cup of oil. Chop up some onions and mince some garlic and let is brown a bit in the oil. Toss in a couple chopped zuchini and yellow squash and let it cook for just a minute or two. Thawed out frozen corn gives really good texture to this, too, if you have it. You can also add a block of firm tofu and let it simmer in the oil and vegetables for a minute. Chop up a handful of cilantro and add some cans of black beans (1 can per 2 people is about right) and let it simmer for awhile, atleast until everything is tender. You shouldn't need a whole lot of salt, but some paprika and dill is good, too.

This is best served with warm corn tortillas, and a little bit of shredded cheese (if you eat dairy). It can feed up to 8 people easily and makes great left-overs. top

Break Shit - No, really, go ahead. All that crap you have cus you think one day you'll fix it. Break it. Break it with a hammer, if you have nothing else. Then, carefully, pull out all the bits. I killed an insane cordless phone and a broken stero, and then mosaiced the pieces onto the wall of my extra bedroom.
It looks like a serious social commentary on consumer culture, and it feels like therapy! top

cilantro soup - This is one of the best things I've ever found for the summer, when it is so hot the idea of food makes you sick. I worked at an organic grocery when I came up with this recipe, so I found everything fresh and organic. The great thing is, when stuff starts to wilt and go limp, soup is the best way to use it before it goes bad.

Heat cans of vegetable broth (cus it's a fuck of lot easier than making your own broth) and add about a cup of dried pasta (I like farfale, but just cus it's got that cute bow-tie shape). Cut up a handful of fresh carrots and throw them in. When the carrots and the pasta start getting tender, throw in a handful of frozen peas and a cup of chopped, fresh cilantro. Add some salt and pepper to taste, and, if you want, a sprinkle of parmesan cheese on top when you serve it.

In the summer, this is all I want to eat. top

Paint your bathroom Red - Just trust me. Paint your bathroom Chinese Red. Take lots of candle light baths. It's so much like a womb, you'll remember what it felt like to be there the first time.
If painting is too much effort, just spray paint it. I'm not kidding. There is little in life that is more satisfying than spray painting your apartment. Cover the surfaces with newspaper, if you want to make sure everything doesn't end up red. Just make sure you have ventilation. I spray painted my kitchen and it was the most fun I've ever had. I guess, that coulda been the fumes. top

Pasta Salad, Best ever - I stole this pasta salad recipe from a cafe where I used to work. It's the best pasta salad ever, unless you're allergic to tomatoes and dairy, like my friend Caitlin. Sorry, Caitlin.

Boil a box of Farfalle, or similar chunky pasta. Drain it and rinse it with cold water. Pour a cup (this depends on how much pasta you made; just make sure it's coated) of Olive oil and about half a cup of red wine vinegar over the pasta. Chop up several fresh tomatoes (Roma are really good for this), a half a cup or so of Kalamata olives, and some red and yellow peppers. Also toss in some green onions, and atleast half a block of crumbled feta cheese. Add a pinch of salt, some pepper and some oregeno and then toss everything together (I usually just put it in tupperware, and then shake vigerously).
Let it sit so that all the vinegar and oil can soak into everything, about an hour. Repeat this process and send me some. top

Record Candy Bowl - This isn't my idea, but it made me laugh, so I am putting it here. Unfortunately, I have no oven, so I've never done it.

Put a record on a cookie sheet and stick it in your (400 degree oven) for about 45 seconds.Take it out and you can mold it into a bowl shape by pulling the edges up. If it gets too hard you can throw it in the oven again. I especially like the idea of doing this with records that could never possibly be of use in any other capacity. Like, for instance, this Menudo record I was given when I was 14. top

Stolen Signs, "Where now?" - In an act of identity-anger vengeance I once tore a bunch of signs of bathroom doors. Then, I didn't know what to do with them. Nonetheless, it became addictive. Something about mis-leading the public, who is used to being told where to go and what to do depending on the lables someone else assigned to them, was very attractive to me.
At one point, the only door in and out of my apartment was marked "Please Use Other Door", my bathroom was marked "Men", and my bedroom was marked "Women".
The best part of this is the misappropriation of public and private property, but if you simply like the aesthetic, you can get those signs at any larger Office Supply store, like Staples. top

vice shrine - We all have our vices, and we know why we choose to do it. Maybe smoking isn't good for you, but a lot of us still do it for whatever the reason. Or maybe your vice is caffeine, television, whatever.
The point is, you are not a mindless consumer. You have a choice. You have chosen something that is not so good for you, but you did so for a reason. So stop letting people make you feel guilty. Build a shrine to your vice. When I smoked a pack a day, I thumbtacked every empty pack of Kamel Reds to my wall after I finished them. It made this rolling wall of red RRRRRRRRR's, with over 300 packs before I quit.
Turn your television into a sacred shrine in the Mexican tradition, hot glue coffee beans to the blank wall of your kitchen. Do whatever you want, but do it proud! top

xeroxed newspapers - This might sound weird, but one of the home decorating items I have that gets the most attention is a small newspaper article that was cut out of a local section and blown up to about 9 feet wide. This can be done easily and cheaply at almost any copy place.
My particular piece was about a student who had beaten his puppy to death with a tennis racket after it shit on his carpet. No one much cared about the article until it was blown up to 3 by 9 feet. Makes great social commentary and cocktail conversation! top